A girl asks a boy, "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly."

I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?"
"Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked.
I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."

What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.

A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well...
He was known to be bambidextrous.

"Are you an actress, auntie?"
"No darling, why do you ask?"
"Because Daddy says whenever you come over, we have a scene."

Saw the cutest TRIPLETS in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt.
1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED.
2nd one said: I WAS NOT.
3rd said: ME NEITHER!

What do you do when you see a SPACEMAN?
You park your car in it!

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be.
"Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."

Nutella: Noun
God's favourite spreadable condiment; typically manufactured by pixies in the magical Land of Yum.

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
"I work at the end of a belt," I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, "Are you the buckle?"

Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday.
This year I went shopping on Black Friday!

My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.
We have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.

Why did the Turkey snicker alongside the stuffing?
It was an inside joke.

I once played poker with tarot cards...
I got a full house and four people died.

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift."
But couldn't people learn to think a bit bigger?!?!

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it...
Teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.

How do musicians pay their debts?
With quarter notes.

What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet.

He tells the salesman "I'm here to see your hi-fis. Maybe Panasonic, Yamaha, or Sharp."

The salesman says "Oh right let me guess - you're going to blast that rap music at full volume. Probably going to piss off your neighbors."

The black guy says "Yes exactly. I'm here for the stereo types."

#joke

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Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?
Little Johnny: Just the squashed one.